The First Annual AFD Goldie Awards

Celebrating the best (and worst) films of 2023.

I did fifteen year-end lists for MetalSucks, and every time, without fail, I spent months being totally neurotic about said lists: who would and would not make the finite cut, and in what order I’d put them. In my middle age, my gift to myself is to not induce ulcers over a snapshot of my opinions at a particular fixed point in history based solely on what I’d had time to consume that calendar year.

To that end, I decided that the annual tradition here at Appetite for Deconstruction is going to be to hand out The Goldies, awards given out for various cinematic achievements and named in honor of my favorite film critic - me. Unlike other awards, there are no nominees, only winners, celebrated alphabetically in their respective categories.

Congratulations to all of the winners. You probably shaved years off your life playing make believe with untold sums of money. The very least you deserve for your efforts is a pat on the back from some guy on the Internet you’ve never heard of before. Might as well call it quits now - your careers will never get better than this.

THE KUBRICK for Achievement in Narrative Cinema

Anatomy of a Fall - directed by Justine Triet, written by Justine Triet & Arthur Harari

Barbie - directed by Greta Gerwig, written by Greta Gerwig & Noah Baumbach

Blackberry - directed by Matt Johnson, written by Matt Johnson & Matthew Miller

May December - directed by Todd Haynes, written by Samy Burch

M3GAN - directed by Gerard Johnstone, written by Akela Cooper

Oppenheimer - written and directed by Christopher Nolan

Past Lives - written and directed by Celine Song

Poor Things - directed by Yorgos Lanthimos, written by Tony McNamara

The Royal Hotel - directed by Kitty Green, written by Kitty Green & Oscar Redding

Sanctuary - directed by Zachary Wigon, written by Micah Bloom

Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse - directed by Joaquim Dos Santos & Kemp Powers & Justin K. Thompson, written by Phil Lord & Christopher Miller & Dave Callam

When Evil Lurks - written and directed by Demián Rugna

The Palme d’Uh for Achievement in Cinematic Stupidity

The Exorcist: Believer - directed by David Gordon Green, written by Peter Sattler & David Gordon Green

Rebel Moon - Part One: A Child of Fire - directed by Zack Snyder, written by Zack Snyder & Kurt Johnstad & Shay Hatten

Sound of Freedom - directed by Alejandro Monteverde, written by Rod Barr & Alejandro Monteverde

The Meritat Narcissus for Achievement in Cinematic Performance

Christopher Abbott and Margaret Qualley, Sanctuary

Annette Bening, Nyad

Ayo Edebiri, Bottoms

Julia Garner, The Royal Hotel [additional clips not available]

Lily Gladstone, Killers of the Flower Moon

Ryan Gosling, Barbie

Glenn Howerton, Blackberry

Sandra Hüller, Anatomy of a Fall

Vanessa Kirby, Napoleon

Greta Lee, Past Lives

Jason Momoa, Fast X

Megan Mullaly, Dicks: The Musical

Cillian Murphy and Pretty Much Everyone Else, Oppenheimer

Natalie Portman, May December

Emma Stone, Poor Things

Jeffrey Wright, American Fiction

The Michael Cimino Championship for Achievement in Admirable Ambition

Killers of the Flower Moon - directed by Martin Scorsese, written by Eric Roth & Martin Scorsese

Napoleon - directed by Ridley Scott, written by David Scarpa

Skinamarink - written and directed by Kyle Edward Bell

The Fred Zinneman Fellowship for Most Under-Appreciated Pictures

Cobweb - directed by Samuel Bodin, written by Chris Thomas Devlin

Dark Harvest - directed by David Slade, written by Michael Gilio

The George Lucas Gold for Achievement in Serialized Storytelling

Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3 - written and directed by James Gunn

John Wick: Chapter 4 - directed by Chad Stahelski, written by Shay Hatten and Michael Finch

Mission: Impossible - Dead Reckoning Part One - directed by Christopher McQuarrie, written by Christopher McQuarrie & Erik Jendresen

The Tim Burton Trophy for Achievement in Predictability

Wes Anderson, Asteroid City

The Roberto Benigni Cup for Most-Praised Films Virtually Guaranteed to Be Forgotten in Six Months

Air - directed by Ben Affleck, written by Alex Convery

Dumb Money - directed by Craig Gillespie, written by Lauren Schuker Blum & Rebecca Angelo

Maestro - directed by Bradley Cooper, written by Bradley Cooper & Josh Singer

The Michael Bay Medallion for Films Most Likely to Be Used to Torture and Interrogate Suspected Terrorists

Beau is Afraid - written and directed by Ari Aster

The Boogeyman - directed by Rob Savage, written by Scott Beck & Bryan Woods and Mark Heyman

Cocaine Bear - directed by Elizabeth Banks, written by Jimmy Warden

Five Nights at Freddy’s - directed by Emma Tammi, written by Scott Cawthon and Seth Cuddeback & Emma Tammi

Knock at the Cabin - written and directed by M. Night Shymalan

Operation Fortune: Ruse de Guerre - directed by Guy Ritchie, written by Guy Ritchie and Ivan Atkinson & Marn Davies

The Outwaters - written and directed by Robbie Banfitch

Shazam! Fury of the Gods - directed by David F. Sandberg, written by Henry Gayden and Chris Morgan

Transformers: Rise of the Beasts - directed by Steven Caple Jr., written by Joby Harold and Darnell Metayer & Josh Peters and Erich Hoeber & Jon Hoeber

The Michael Keaton Commendation for Best Comeback

Godzilla, Godzilla Minus One

The John Travolta Tchotchke for Blown Comeback

Harrison Ford, Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny

The Babe Memorial Best Use of a Pig Award

The pig in The Pope’s Exorcist

The Frank Langella Memorial Worst Use of a Pig Award

Jared Leto in The Haunted Mansion

The Bradley Cooper Endowment for Achievement in Bradley Cooper by a Bradley Cooper

Bradley Cooper as “Marlamin the Halfling” in Dungeons & Dragons: Honor Among Thieves

The American Goddamn Treasure Award for MVP Character Actors

Dylan Baker, Dream Scenario [clips not available]

Bill Camp, Sound of Freedom

Ann Dowd, The Exorcist: Believer

Shea Whigham, Mission: Impossible - Dead Reckoning Part One and Eileen [clips not available]